What is it about not writing that makes me feel like I’ve failed?
I have so much floating about in my head but then getting it all typed up and into words just isn’t working at the moment. I know exactly how I’m feeling but I don’t have the words to express it. What does that mean when I want to blog?
I’ll start with something thats been consuming a lot of my reading time this week and that is the news of potential MS treatment HSCT. So let me get my brain around this, I have chemotherapy, a treatment for cancer patients, a treatment I see my brother suffering horribly from daily. Now this should kill off some stuff and make space for something else (technical speech as always LOL) and POTENTIALLY halt the progression of the MS. There is also the smallest chance I die. I don’t know if its just me but that scares the hell out of me. I would lose all my hair and suffer quite badly for something to maybe work for a while.
I understand that I’ve explained it in my way and it all comes across negatively and I really feel bad about that but that is honestly how it is stuck into my brain BUT from what I’ve seen most of the people who have undergone this treatment have nothing but positive feedback about their MS, they are living a better quality of life now and that truly is amazing. If I could have 1 day back pre diagnosis that would be a beautiful day, so maybe this needs some serious consideration.
Don’t get me wrong this hasn’t even been offered to me, I might not even be eligible but I haven’t thought of much else since all the articles about this have popped up. I don’t think I’ve ever been so torn. How can I be a Mum to my kids while going through the treatment? I have so many questions but sadly there aren’t really any answers.
IF this worked it would be the best thing. Getting a piece of my ‘old’ life back would be so special.
IF this didn’t work I feel like the impact on myself and my family would be huge. Going through all of that then you are slammed back down to earth with shattered expectations and possibly less hope then before.
This really would be the biggest decision I’d ever make if it came to it and I struggle to choose a movie let alone something like that. I think it has actually stressed me out this week, I can’t seem to get it off my mind. What would I do??? What would you do???
As you have probably noticed I’m setting this whole scenario up in my head. My neurologist has said this is an option for me now and I must pick what I want to do. My whole brain goes to mush (if thats a thing) Of course I want to be better! Of course I want a better quality of life! But its such a huge thing to go through with no guarantee.
This is giving me a headache just writing about it now because I’m thinking too much into it for now I think. I have just noticed that I’ve basically had a rant and that is my blog for the day. (emoji’s would work well with how I feel today!)
If you have any opinions on this subject do let me know because I’d love to see this in a different light perhaps. If not that is fine, I hope I haven’t made you hate me for parts of negativity in this which I am sorry for but its just how I feel.
I’ll leave this there and I would just like to wish you all well and I hope you have a lovely weekend.
Kim x x