I wish I knew…

I wish I knew I was going to get sick forever.

I wish the date in 2013 was presented to me when I was younger so I lived life to the fullest back then.

Life has a funny way of stopping you in your tracks sometimes. I thought i had all the time in the world to succeed, to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do but MS had different plans for me. I just wish I knew.

I wish I knew the last time I could jump, the last time I could go on a leisurely walk, the last time I could swim 2 lengths even- then I would have appreciated those moments more.

I wish I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand to brush my teeth, I wouldn’t be able to stand while the kettle boils and just not be able to do normal things anymore. I really wish I knew that MS is life changing and I should have done more, I should have appreciated more before.

It saddens me to think that one day I woke up ‘sick’ and its really unlikely that I’ll ever be better. Its unlikely that I will ever feel my legs normally how I did that day in 2013. I really just wish I knew. Of course knowing would have been disheartening at the time but I really feel like it would have been an eye opener. It would have pushed me to do more things, experience life more, see the places I’ve always wanted to. Now theres nothing to say I won’t be able to do these things now but living with MS I’m aware of how much harder and to an extent unenjoyable it might be with everything that MS throws at me daily.

Where would I be now if 18 year old me knew that in 3 years time I would have this unpredictable, deliberating, chronic illness?

To that question I don’t really have an answer. I’d possibly be right where I am now and to be honest that is fine, my life isn’t bad but I do have regrets. I wish I was more daring back then, more open to new things, more adventurous, more hands on and more career minded. With those traits back then I would have definitely pushed myself to do more and be more before MS struck but this is life and we don’t have a magic ball telling us where its headed and in one sense I suppose that is the beauty of life. Without even knowing it we have been built to be resilient and just go with it.

No, we do not have control over where life is headed but what we can control is the here and now, life at present is ours and MS has taught me many things over the years, I spoke before about MS creating A better me which is really has! I have so many more positive points about me now that this ‘negative’ has hold of me. It has changed my mindset entirely, I no longer feel entitled to anything and now I appreciate everything. So with that being said as much as I wish I knew, I never did so it is my responsibility now to take control and not allow MS to take over before I’m good and ready. So I have a Wishlist which I might share at a later point but on this list is everything I wanted to do before this illness and everything I want to do because of the illness and slowly I intend to get through this list. MS will make it harder but thats a good job MS has made me stronger because I’m now more determined then ever to get through this list and I will.

Do you think life would be different if you knew you were going to suffer with a chronic illness now?

I hope you’re well!

Kim x x

20 thoughts on “I wish I knew…

  1. Very emotional post! I wonder too… what if I’d known? But that may have caused a countdown of sorts that would not have been healthy for me. I’m glad I didn’t know. Because of my chronic illness I believe I am in so many ways a more calm, caring, and empathetic person. I finally found joy in the little things… I’d love to hear about your list, when you are ready to share it. ~Kim

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes I understand what you mean, it really has made me better in ways that I’m so grateful! But a part of me would have loved to know so I could have experienced things that are much harder now! I’ll get there, I hope! X x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Chronicallyundiagnosed

    I think this is a great question for those of us who experience chronic illness. I’ve always had an obsessive fear about getting a serious illness, so on some level I feel like I knew this was coming. But when it did happen, I was shocked. I’m glad I didn’t know for certain that it was coming because I think it would have made me feel like giving up, or not pursuing some of my dreams. Now I am in a holding pattern, wondering what it will look like for me to re-engage with life again on some kind of functional level.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I understand that completely. I feel like it would have pushed me to do more but I know what you mean and it could have easily gone the other way. I find myself reaching for the stars more than I ever did before a chronic illness changes your mindset and not always for the worse! Take care x x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was a very emotional post that I can really understand. I was diagnosed with MS when I was only 19 years old and did not want to fight at first. Honestly with this illness that is all we can do fight and never give up. Never allowing the MS to control our lives is so hard, but honey we can do it!! I believe in you and I believe you have that strong fight inside yourself! Never forget I am always here for you, even if we are an ocean apart! Sending you so much love and comfort!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This choked me up. I could relate all too well. I spent way too much time working. Thinking I had time, even after diagnosis I assumed I’d be able to still do as I wanted. Now I wish I worked less and enjoyed more. Beautifully written piece. This is one I’d like to share. I hope you don’t mind.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am honoured that you feel that way about what I’ve said. Everything is just from the heart and it’s a tough battle but I feel I wouldn’t have wasted 21 years if I knew before! Please feel free to share x x

      Liked by 1 person

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